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Beyond, an Awkward Place to Be

I find myself not belonging in all the familiar places. I’ve stretched beyond the boundaries of my family of origin, beyond my traditional beliefs, beyond my culture’s expectations. Beyond is an awkward place to be.

On the one hand, I wonder how I got here and if “here” is really okay. On the other hand, I wonder why it took me so long to get here and what else I’ve missed along the way.

While I hold to the core of my faith, I don’t fit with other people who profess the same core beliefs. While I honor the tradition of my upbringing, I don’t hold it sacred. While I understand the thought process of my culture, I don’t subscribe to the societal expectations. I’m untethered.

Untethered while freeing can also bring with it insecurity and uncertainty. When you deconstruct what tradition has constructed for you, where do you go? When you dismantle the conventional wisdom of culture, where does that lead you?

Deconstruction makes way for reconstruction. Disrupting the stability forced me out of old habits and routine thinking patterns. Becoming curious lead me to challenge assumptions that were always off but I never thought to object. (Read I believed in Santa until I was 9 years old — even defended him boldly at school.) Making room for new concepts opened the door to meeting new people. Admitting I was wrong stripped me of judgement, arrogance, and pride. Deconstruction makes way for reconstruction — something I desperately needed.

Correcting a basic premise you’ve lived with for decades is uncomfortable. Once you step into deconstruction, uncomfortable becomes your permanent physical address which means my equilibrium will likely always be slightly off. Learning how to honor everything that brought me here and let go of everything that isn’t pointing me toward my God-given design is worth the uncomfortable feeling of being untethered. Not belonging in the familiar places turns out to be right where I belong.


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